Category Archives: That’s Shitsy!

March 30, 2013 · 11:05 am

Bad Non-Candy Easter Basket Ideas


I was the kid who was allergic to regular chocalte and had to get white chocolate very year in my basket. My parents tried to say I got "special" chocolate, but my brother and the neighborhood kids all made fun of me. Yayyyy!

I was the kid who was allergic to regular chocolate and had to get white chocolate every year in my basket. My parents tried to say I got “special” chocolate, but my brother and the neighborhood kids all made fun of me. Yayyyy!


Happy almost Easter everyone! It’s time to get those Easter baskets together, and I know lots of people look for great non-candy items for their baskets. I get that. My daughter is getting older so now she wants things like i-tunes cards, gift cards, nail polish, accessories, etc…however, I found some real winners today when I went online to see what other people put in their children’s baskets. By the way, none of these are a joke either…people actually suggested these.

Polished Rocks...What kid WANTS polished rocks?!?

Polished Rocks…What kid WANTS polished rocks?!?

Pine Cones...because your child can make cute crafts out of them. Yeah, OK.

Pine Cones…because your child can make cute crafts out of them. Yeah, OK.

Granola...just put it in a bag and tell them it's what the Easter Bunny eats. I'm sure they will be thrilled.

Granola…just put it in a bag and tell them it’s what the Easter Bunny eats. I’m sure they will be thrilled.

Veggie Crisps...because every kid wants this in their basket. They also said you could cut up real, fresh veggies if you have time. Thrilling.

Veggie Crisps…because every kid wants this in their basket. They also said you could cut up real, fresh veggies if you have time. Thrilling.

A wedding picture of their parents. (I SWEAR someone said this!) "Look honey, it's your first Easter...and you were at our wedding!"

A wedding picture of their parents. (I SWEAR someone said this!) “Look honey, it’s your first Easter…and you were at our wedding!”

Fresh fruit cut into cote shapes. "They'll forget all about the candy!" No they won't!

Fresh fruit cut into cute shapes. “They’ll forget all about the candy!” No they won’t!

Their "very own" boxes of band-aids. I guess so they don't have to bother you with that whole "I'm bleeding" thing while you secretly scarf down your own hidden candy!

Their “very own” boxes of band-aids. I guess so they don’t have to bother you with that whole “I’m bleeding” thing while you secretly scarf down your own hidden candy!

Wool/felt Easter Eggs...because these will provide minutes, er, hours of entertainment.

Wool/felt Easter Eggs…because these will provide minutes, er, hours of entertainment.

You can cut out animal pictures from National Geographic, and put them in the Easter eggs. After the hunt, the kids can sort them as to where they might live. Wow, that sounds fun.

You can cut out animal pictures from National Geographic, and put them in the Easter eggs. After the hunt, the kids can sort them as to where they might live. Wow, that sounds fun.

An extra 15 minute bedtime delay coupon...how generous...they get to watch half of a show on Nickelodeon.

An extra 15 minute bedtime delay coupon…how generous…they get to watch half of a show on Nickelodeon.

Buy a few puzzles and put all of the different pieces in the egss. After the hunt, give the kids the boxes, and have them swap pieces until they all have their "own" puzzle pieces. Then they can do the puzzles. I have 3 nephews and 2 nieces. This would cause a meltdown of epic proportions. Trust me.

Buy a few puzzles and put all of the different pieces in the eggs. After the hunt, give the kids the boxes, and have them swap pieces until they all have their “own” puzzle pieces. Then they can do the puzzles. I have 3 nephews and 2 nieces. This would cause a meltdown of epic proportions. Trust me.

and finally…

A pedometer...so they can walk off all of that candy they didn't get!

A pedometer…so they can walk off all of that candy they didn’t get!

Come on…. it’s one stinking day a year people! Give them a some candy and then other things that actually enjoyable!

Happy Easter everyone…and my deepest condolences to the kids who get any of the aforementioned items. Your parents are about as fun as watching paint dry.

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March 29, 2013 · 7:21 am

Good Friday Hand Towel


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In honor of Good Friday, I figured I’d put up something “Holy”….so look at what I found on Etsy today…A Jesus, Mary, and Joseph Embroidered Kitchen/Bathroom Hand Towel.

The seller can put this on basically any color hand towel you’d like or she can embroider this onto the following:  Terry Bath Towels, Pillow Case, T-Shirt, Laptop Case, iPad Cover, Sweatshirt, Tote, Quilt Squares, ect.

I’m thinking if this out, you really shouldn’t wipe your hands on it! Wiping your hands on Jesus, Mary, and Joseph has got to be a giant no-no.  I’m not the most religious person, but if I went into someone’s bathroom, and this was my only option on which to dry my hands, I’m using my pants instead. If I have shorts on, then I’m forced to use their shower curtain or something…but not Jesus. It just seems wrong.

If you’d like to make your friends squirm when they are looking for a place to dry their hands, then scoot on over to Etsy and you can get one for $20.00.

Jesus, Mary, and Joseph Hand Towel…sigh…I can’t even call you Shitsy…that’d be worse than drying my hands on you. You’re killing me Smalls…you’re killing me!

Wishing you all a beautiful Easter Weekend.

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March 28, 2013 · 12:36 pm

Andre the Clown


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Look at what I found on Etsy today…Andre the Clown.

Are you tired of your kids asking you again and again to take them to the circus? Well, I think I found your cure-all…Andre the Clown!

According to the seller, he is is made of wire and rubber, so he’s very flexible and pose-able. Don’t believe him? Here’s your proof:

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Think of it as a year round “Elf on a Shelf”! You can keep on leaving this around and before you know it your children will be so terrified of clowns that they’ll never beg you to take them to the circus again!

Hey kids...do you like flowers?

Hey kids…do you like flowers?

It’ll cost you $30.00 a pop for Ringling Brothers tickets, plus gas to get there, parking, food, and of course all of the trinkets your kids will want. That could be an expensive day!

…OR…you could hustle on over to Etsy, plunk down $77.42 in US Dollars, plus $10.00 shipping (because it’s coming from New Zealand ), and likely save yourself some money and aggravation. What a bargain! There’s no way you’re getting through “Circus Day” for $87.42! (You better hurry up, there’s only one in stock!)

Take it from me, we spent tons of money to bring my daughter to the circus when she was 3…front row tickets and all the trimmings. Do you think she remembers that day whatsoever? OF COURSE SHE DOESN’T!!! If we had gotten Andre the Clown, she’d remember it forever though, I bet.

Just trying to help you all out!

Andre the Clown…That’s (not)  Shitsy!

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March 25, 2013 · 12:35 pm

Original Pet Portrait Illustration


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Look at what I found on Etsy today…an “Original Pet Portrait Illustration” .

Before I give my thoughts, here’s what the seller has to say about it:

Do you love your pet?
get an original portrait illustrated by (Illustrator’s name edited)
I will illustrate any type of pet. Please look at the samples. 
Will be drawn on a 8.5in x 11in bienfang gridded paper 
the lines one the bienfang gridded paper are blue instead of gray. 
Once you place you order I will email you asking for a good head shot portrait photo of your pet. 
The bigger the better so that I can get every detail.

I’m sorry, but who in their right mind would buy this?

Why is that cat’s head on a horribly drawn body with a very ill fitting bikini top? Why are the breasts drawn so far apart? Is the cat an alley cat that hooks in the wee hours of the evening while the owner is asleep?

I don’t know about the rest of you, but the whole graph paper thing is a giant no-go for me. Does it really even matter if the lines are blue or gray? Is the paper really going to be three hole punched like that? If so, are you supposed to put it in a binder and carry it around instead of displaying it? (Why would you display this anyway?)

Cat owners…apparently, you are a large market…so, would any of you actually purchase this?  I’m going to assume no…but if I am wrong, please let me know, and please explain yourself so I can attempt to understand this.

This retails for $20.00, and it even comes with a “surprise drawing as a free gift“.  (God knows what the hell that could be of.) The seller also states she has 18 in stock.  Now, didn’t she say she would do a drawing of your pet for you? Maybe one of those other 18 is the free gift you’ll be getting! Just what you need…two of these!

Original Pet Portrait Illustration…That’s Shitsy!

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***It’s Abode or Commode Time!!****

Do you think this is home worthy or should it go straight in the shitter? Cast your vote and leave your comments below! I’d love to hear from you!

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March 23, 2013 · 7:43 am

The Gift No Man (That I Know) Wants


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Look at what I found on Etsy today…filed under “Gifts for Men”…a “Beer Sucks” patch.

Here’s what the seller had to say about it: (Keep in mind, he’s straightedge…thus the patch)

Beer is awful for a handful of reasons, the least of which is the abysmal advertising featuring some extremely NOT feminist viewpoints about equality. Another pro is that water, for the most part, is free. It’s also the source of all life, and if you need a bigger reason than that, I urge you to eat your own fist all the way to the elbow, and write me how it turns out. Science project!

I’m just going to cut to the chase here…I did a mental inventory of all of the males I know who don’t like beer…all I could come up with are my three nephews…ages 9, 6, and 5…but they are Irish, so someday when they are old enough, they will LOVE beer….otherwise it’s just them and the straightedge seller, who I don’t actually “know”, but I felt I should lump in somehow, because it’s all I’ve got.

However, if you do want this patch, you can get it on Etsy for $1.00. …and there are 82 available.

Beer Sucks Patch…while I get your “straightedge” premise…I still must say on behalf of all of the beer loving men in my life…That’s Shitsy!

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March 16, 2013 · 9:27 am

Sister and Brother – Horse Mask Portrait


il_570xN.417011264_tgyqLook at what I found on Etsy today… “Sister and Brother 8X8 Fine Art Print – Two Children, Horse Masks”.

OK – Can someone tell me what the hell is going on here?

Why would you want this?

Why are these children wearing masks? Better yet, why are these children wearing “horse masks” of all things?  Are these children so bad looking that they need to wear horse masks? Were they kidnapped by the Mob? I want answers!

What exactly possessed the “artist” to come up with this? “Do you know what would look nice? A portrait of a brother and sister holding hands and wearing horse masks. OMG, I am going to be RICH from this shot! RICH, I tell ya!!” (No, you’re really not.)

Did she not notice the girl’s shirt is doing the semi-tucked thing? Gahhh, that drives me nuts. Tuck or don’t tuck!!! Pick one!

How do I even know they’re siblings? I can’t tell if they look related because they have those damn horse masks on. I bet they are just two stray neighborhood kids who posed for this because they’ll do anything for some attention. Siblings…Pffftttt.

Who would actually want those creepy horse masks staring at them all day from their prized spot on the wall? Go ahead, scroll up and take a better look. I’ll wait…

Yeah…that’s creepy…and they look pretty pissed off if you ask me. I have never even seen a real live horse make that face…and if I did, I would run. Horses are beautiful creatures…couldn’t she find masks that represented that? Obviously not.

You know who I would get this for? Someone I would want to torment. It’d be fun to go to their house on a later occasion and ask “Hey, where’s that awesome horse mask portrait I bought you? What, you didn’t like it? Seriously?? Wow, you’re really an ingrate. That’s the last time I buy you a gift and try to give you a little culture!” 

The seller doesn’t even try to make any real selling points here…just that it’s a “sweet little family portrait”.  I guess it speaks for itself though, doesn’t it? BTW, I think I missed the “sweet” part.

Well, if you seem to find some beauty in this, you can purchase it for $25.00 plus $3.00 shipping…unless you live in Australia…that’ll cost you an extra buck. You don’t have to make your mind up right this minute though…she’s got four in stock. I say sleep on it.

Sister and Brother Horse Mask Portrait…That’s Shitsy!

** Here’s your chance to weigh in! The newest segment on my blog is “Abode or Commode“. Let me know what you think! Is it house-worthy, or should it go right in the shitter? Leave your responses below! Since you are already reading my blog, I can assume that you have impeccable taste, so why not share it with me? ;)  I look forward to seeing your opinions!!

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February 6, 2013 · 7:31 pm

Fiji Mermaid Vintage Baby Doll Dangle


ImageLook at what I found on Etsy today…a Fiji Mermaid Vintage Baby Doll Dangle. (Try to contain your excitement!)

I do not get the whole little plastic baby doll crammed into things trend. Is it just me, or is it odd? I never liked these freaky little dolls when I was a kid, and I most certainly don’t like them now either. I remember having some of these in a larger version in my room as a kid and being totally freaked out by them because I felt like they were watching me. Creepy…just plain creepy.

Anyway…here’s the seller’s big “selling points” as to why you should shell out $24.00 (plus shipping) for this…

Have you ever heard the story of Barnum and Bailey’s notorious Fiji Mermaid? The exhibit was a famous fake, featuring the top half of a monkey and the bottom of a fish. This version is decidedly cuter with a baby doll instead. 

This playful, yet macabre pendant evokes images of mid-century traveling carnival side shows and eerie seaside promenades. Has it been tucked away in a curio boutique, away from prying eyes? Or locked in a keepsake box for safety? Take home this Fiji Mermaid and spark endless questions from your friends.

A few things here:

1. Why do people love the whole side-show kitsch thing? There’s a reason they stopped the freak/side shows…people became intelligent enough to know they were a sham. If you want to see some freaks, just head on down to your local WalMart. The freaks are there in droves. I”ve seen a bearded lady or two in mine…but I digress.

2. It’s a dangle in case you missed that. It comes on a large crappy chain (that is guaranteed to turn your neck green) to dangle around your neck. Um, no.

3. “Take home this Fiji Mermaid and spark endless questions from your friends.”  Here’s how the endless questions from your friends will go:

Friend: “Hey, what the hell is that creepy thing you’ve got there?”

You: “Oh, it’s a one of a kind (OK, really two of a kind, because there’s two in stock) Fiji Mermaid Vintage Baby Doll Dangle, that I scored on Etsy!”

Friend: “Scored, huh? What’d you pay for that colossal piece of shit?“

You: “I got a good deal on it! It only cost me $24.00 plus $6.00 shipping!” (Unless you’re from Canada, in which case you can tack on an extra buck….or anywhere else in the world, an extra $3.00)

Friend: “You paid a grand total of $30.00 for that? Are you out of your mind?!?”

Then said friend would tell the rest of your friends what a jackass you are for spending $30.00 on this thing…thus sparking the endless questions the seller speaks of.

Personally, I say you save the $30.00 for something better, and save yourself the hassle of the endless questions about it. If your friends are anything like mine, they’ll always find something else to bust your chops endlessly question you about soon enough anyway. You don’t need to dangle this as bait for them. (Do you see what I did there?)

Fiji Mermaid Vintage Baby Doll Dangle…That’s Shitsy!

By the way, my 11 year old daughter just walked in,  saw this on the screen and said “What the heck is that? A plastic baby doll crammed in a fishing lure? Is someone selling that? It’s stupid!”…and promptly walked away with a “Hmmmmph” over her shoulder as she left the room. Atta girl!

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January 1, 2013 · 9:13 am

2012 in Review


The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

4,329 films were submitted to the 2012 Cannes Film Festival. This blog had 14,000 views in 2012. If each view were a film, this blog would power 3 Film Festivals

Click here to see the complete report.

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December 11, 2012 · 4:26 pm

The Laziest Christmas Lights EVER…


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Look at what I found on Pinterest today…The Firefly Landscape Laser Lights…AKA the laziest Christmas lights EVER.

Here’s what the seller, Solutions, has to say about it:

We guarantee you won’t miss the tradition of climbing a ladder on a cold, snowy or rainy day to string lights. Instead, just plug in this light. Your home, your trees, your entire yard will come to life with a stunning light show. This all-new way to decorate uses cutting-edge laser and holographic technology to project thousands of pin-points of green light…it gives the impression of thousands of fireflies!

OK…Let me tell you a little something about this…It’s just plain stupid…and lazy…and did I mention stupid?!? Are you kidding me that someone would actually hook this thing up in their front yard, point it at their home, and think this passes as a Christmas display? It most certainly does not. First of all, the lights are on everything under the sun…the house, the windows, the front stairs,  the lawn, the sky…C’mon! Nobody, not even Clark Griswald, does that!

Want to see how great it looks in the middle of the night? Prepare yourself…

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Oh yeah, that looks fantastic, doesn’t it?? I’m sure the neighbors will all be really jealous of that house. It looks like a scene out of a B Horror movie!

This company needs to take an angle and stick to it! How do they market this as  thousands of fireflies and then say this is a great solution to being cold and hanging Christmas lights? It is not a great solution to anything.  Is it fireflies or is it Christmas lights? Is it both? I personally have to go with neither!

I’m fairly certain they made up the great reviews too:

*By Pearl, from East Tennessee
 
Pros: ease of use, covers a large area, more spectacular than described, use throughout the year
“I’ve seen a lot of light displays – this ONE elicited my dance of joy! One light source, easy to install (plug in). The trees are full of twinkling “snow flakes”. From the house hang glistening “icicles”. The light is far-reaching – just a flip of the switch turns my entire yard into a fairy land. I highly recommend this product. The spectacular effects and ease of operation make this well worth the price. I continue to be amazed by the cheerful beauty created by this one.”
I am frightened that Pearl actually did a dance of joy over this! Twinkling snowflakes?!? Glistening icicles? What the hell is she looking at?
*By John, from Lakeland, Fl

“I bought this to help decorate my front yard for Christmas. I have a huge Magnolia tree that is now completely lit up! My neighbors can’t believe how cool this thing is. It’s well made and works great.”
Dear John, Your neighbors are lying through their teeth!
*and finally by Bob, from New Jersey

 Pros: easy
“With just plugging in, the most unique Christmas display on the street. It was a neighborhood hit!”
Bob, I speak for everyone in our great state of NJ, when I say it was only the hit of the neighborhood behind your back. I’m embarrassed Bob. That’s not how we roll in Jersey at Christmas time!
If you would like to be the laziest person on your street with the worst Christmas light display EVER, then swing on by Solutions, and get ready to drop a cool $279.00 on this Christmas horror. Sweet Baby Jesus! It’s over $300.00 with shipping! I cannot believe anyone would actually buy this, but you know my motto “People are stupid”, and apparently lazier than I ever gave them credit for. Wow. Just WOW!
Firefly Landscape Laser Lights…..I dub thee Unpinteresting, Shitsy, and a complete eyesore.

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December 9, 2012 · 9:21 am

Custom Vagina Ornament


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Look at what I found on Etsy today…a Custom Vagina Ornament for your Christmas tree.

I have to tell you that I never knew there was such a market for vagina-like items until I started poking around for my blog….but I digress.

Before I go any further, here’s what the seller had to say about it:
***TODAY (Dec. 9) IS THE LAST DAY to order Christmas *%#$@, &#$&@, (I REALLY had to censor that!) and pendants handmade by me before I shut down my shop for the rest of the year. With Christmas visitors now on the way, I am now unable to take additional orders past the 9th on made-to-order items. I am only making ONE MORE BATCH THIS YEAR, so get your order in now if you want one!***

Never another dull ornament exchange or Secret Santa game again. Something to be re-gifted year after year for added holiday fun!

Ah, the beauty of womanhood! Perfect as a OOAK (one of a kind) gag gift for that special someone, or to hang on the Christmas tree, office cubicle (or anywhere else you imagination come up with)!

(Just tell Grandma it’s a flower. Think Georgia O’Keefe!)

Ummm. Yeah. That’s what she’s selling (and another censored body part too) for you to hang on your tree this season.

You know what I hope? I hope Grandma knows exactly what that is  and embarrasses you in front of the entire family by proclaiming “Who the hell hangs a vagina on their Christmas tree?!?”.  Now that would be a Christmas memory that would be talked about for years to come.

As the seller stated, today is the LAST DAY she is making these classy ornaments, so if you want to order one, you have to get over to her shop on Etsy by midnight. She wants $29.99 for this. I don’t really foresee a stampede occurring here. I’m sure she will have plenty of time to spend with her “Christmas visitors” who are “on the way”, who clearly have no idea what an entrepreneur she really is.

Custom Vagina Ornament…That’s Shitsy!

 

 

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